Those Wacky Alien Ceremonies
by Chezza
Summary: Exactly like the title says....


Title: Those Wacky Alien Ceremonies….  
  
Author: Chezza  
  
E-mail: cyberchezza@tiscali.co.uk  
  
Status: Complete  
  
Sequel/Series: N/A  
  
Summary: Exactly like the title says….  
  
Season: Oh, seven or eight I guess shrugs  
  
Spoilers: Brief one for 'Entity'.  
  
Category: Humour/Fluff. Oh and a teeny bit of angst thrown in for good measure.  
  
Characters: Jack O'Neill. Sam Carter. Daniel Jackson. Teal'c.  
  
Pairing: S/J  
  
Rating: PG13 for language  
  
Warnings: It's another Chezza special and most of it is from Jack's POV, so yep, you guessed it   
  
– language!  
  
File Size: ?  
  
Archive: Jackfic, Carterfic, Helio, Fanfiction.net, Gateworld, SJD, my site….. If anyone else   
  
wants it, just lemme know where you're taking it, so I can come visit.  
  
Disclaimer: Ain't mine! Surprise…. Stargate and it's characters etc, belong to all those folks who   
  
actually make *money* out of them. Any original stuff in there is mine. Tho' sadly, it's unlikely to   
  
ever bring me any cash….  
  
Authors Notes: As always, thanks go to dragonlady for the beta. Flames will be used to light   
  
Teal'c's candles not like *that*! Get your mind outta the gutter, f'cryin' out loud! but   
  
constructive feedback (and criticism) is always gratefully received. Enjoy!  
  
© Copyright Chezza 2003.  
  
~~~o0o~~~  
  
Colonel Jack O'Neill stepped through the open wormhole and expelled the breath he'd taken a   
  
million or more miles away on Earth. He always liked to take a deep breath and hold it, before   
  
stepping into the wormhole. There was no need for it, as Carter had pointed out when Daniel had   
  
noticed his habit, but still…it just felt *right* somehow. Probably because it resembled the   
  
surface of a swimming pool so much and you always held your breath before diving into a pool.   
  
For obvious reasons.  
  
His P90 at the ready, he took a good look around them. 'Ooo, a welcoming party. How…nice.' Good   
  
of the MALP to give them advance warning…not.   
  
He heard the noises behind him of the rest of his team emerging through the 'Gate. The   
  
wormhole shut off with a loud snap. He didn't turn round, keeping his attention on the group of   
  
people in front of him.  
  
"Daniel, you're up." He said calmly.  
  
"Wha-?" Came the question from behind him, followed by:  
  
"Oh, yes, right. Ahem," as their assigned meeter and greeter finally spotted the people waiting   
  
in front of them.  
  
Daniel quickly jogged down the steps and walked over to the waiting group. Jack went with him,   
  
casting a quick glance at the DHD as they passed – seemed okay. He signalled Carter and Teal'c   
  
to flank them on either side. The people hadn't made a move since they arrived, but there was   
  
no point taking chances.   
  
"Hello!" Daniel said brightly.   
  
"We're peaceful explorers from a planet called Earth. Um…I'm Doctor Daniel Jackson, this is   
  
Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Sam Carter and Teal'c."  
  
As one, the group's eyes moved over to the tall Jaffa and immediately they all began whispering   
  
excitedly to one another. The men on the outside of the small group tightened their grasp on   
  
the spear-like weapons they were holding.  
  
Jack noticed and rolled his eyes in frustration. Oy. Here they went again…. Just for once it   
  
would be *nice* to visit a planet and not have Teal'c's presence greeted by   
  
shock/surprise/terror/waving of weapons – pick any of the above. It was unlikely to ever   
  
happen, but it would be nice.  
  
"Relax folks," he drawled. "He's one of the good guys. Tell 'em Teal'c."  
  
Teal'c inclined his head. "I have indeed renounced the false gods known as the Goa'uld. I now   
  
serve the Tau'ri in their fight against the Goa'uld."  
  
"There ya go, see? Nuthin' to be worried about, just your friendly neighbourhood Jaffa." Jack   
  
said, waving his hand at the large man.  
  
The whispering intensified. The natives shot looks in their direction as if trying to decide what   
  
to do with them. There was much waving of arms and gesticulating.  
  
"Uh, Daniel?" Jack asked, tightening his grip on his P90. It was an automatic gesture, but it   
  
made him feel slightly better. Their behaviour was making him jumpy.  
  
"It's okay, Jack." Daniel said. "I think…"  
  
Jack gave him a sharp look. "Ya *think*?"  
  
"Well – "  
  
Whatever he'd been about to say, tailed off as a woman stepped forward from the group. To   
  
Jack's trained eye she looked to be in her early to mid fifties. She had long black hair shot   
  
through with silver, which fell in a braid draped over her shoulder. She was wearing a flowing   
  
white robe that contrasted dramatically with her hair.  
  
'That must be a bugger to keep clean' was the thought that ran fleetingly through Jack's head.   
  
The woman stared straight at him, smiled and inclined her head slightly, as if acknowledging his   
  
thought.  
  
'Huh? Okay, so *that* was odd…'   
  
The rest of the people had stilled and were watching with interest. The woman raised her left   
  
hand and made a beckoning motion towards Sam.  
  
Sam looked at Jack. "Uh, sir?"  
  
Jack looked at Daniel. "Daniel?"  
  
"Um, could be that their society is matriarchal…you should be okay Sam, they haven't made any   
  
threatening moves so far."  
  
'So *far*? Gee that makes me feel *much* better Daniel, thanks.' Sam thought sarcastically.  
  
The woman's lips twitched in a small smile and she beckoned again.  
  
Jack sighed. Looked like they were at an impasse. 'Oh well…'  
  
"Go ahead, Carter." He decided, waving her forward. "We've got your six."  
  
Sam gave a heavy sigh of her own and stepped forward. 'Why was it always *her* just recently?'  
  
She stopped a few feet from the woman.  
  
"Hi." She said with a smile, trying to appear non-threatening, despite the fact that she was still   
  
clutching her P90. There was no way in Hell she was letting it go. Not until she knew *exactly*   
  
what was going on.  
  
The woman stayed silent, just looking at her.   
  
'Okay…'  
  
Sam stayed silent too.  
  
After a couple of minutes, the woman still hadn't moved. She simply stood there, staring at   
  
Carter.  
  
Jack was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this. He cocked his head on one side and took   
  
a closer look at the two women. Both were standing incredibly still, almost statue-like. If he   
  
didn't know any better, he'd say they were in a trance of some kind. He shifted his feet.  
  
"Uh, Daniel…" He hissed.  
  
"It's okay, Jack." Daniel said. "I think – I think it's a ritual of some kind. Probably a greeting   
  
ceremony."  
  
"What? To see who can out-stare whom?" Jack asked sarcastically.  
  
Daniel shot him a sideways look. "Well…maybe, I don't know."  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"Of course not! How could I? We've never been here before!"  
  
Jack made up his mind. He'd had enough of this.  
  
"Alright. That's it."  
  
He took a step forward, intending to break up this 'staring competition'. He didn't care who won.   
  
Daniel grabbed his arm.   
  
"Wait!" He hissed. "For all we know, it could be taken as an offence if we interfere!"  
  
Jack tugged his arm free and glared at Daniel. The woman moved. She reached out her hand   
  
towards Carter's forehead. Sam made no move to pull away.  
  
"Carter!" Jack yelled, hoping to snap her out of it. He was totally convinced she was in some kind   
  
of trance now. There was no response.   
  
'Dammit!' He hated when he was right about things like this….  
  
The woman's hand touched her forehead and a beam of white light shot out from a bracelet   
  
around the woman's wrist, that had been hidden by the sleeve of her robes. It enveloped Carter.   
  
She still didn't move.  
  
"Hey!" Jack yelled and made to move forward as did Daniel and Teal'c.  
  
The woman removed her hand from Carter's forehead and waved it towards the three men. The   
  
light washed over them, then died away.  
  
Jack took a step forward. Except that he didn't actually move.  
  
'What the Hell?!!'  
  
Jack quickly clamped down on the feeling of panic that was beginning to make itself felt. This   
  
was *not* the time to lose it.  
  
He struggled to walk forward, concentrating on moving his muscles. It had no effect. He couldn't   
  
move any part of his body, except for his eyes. A sick thread of fear ran through his stomach   
  
and he closed his eyes briefly in an effort to regain his composure.   
  
'God, this must be what it feels like to be paralysed from the neck down…'  
  
'Not quite,' his inner voice of reason argued. 'You're still breathing.'  
  
Jack blinked as he realised it was true. All his *automatic* movements were still happening. He   
  
was breathing, his heart was beating, he was still alive and had the ability to move his eyes, he   
  
just…couldn't scratch that damn itch that had appeared out of nowhere on the end of his nose.  
  
He cast a quick glance sideways at Danny and Teal'c. The archaeologist was looked back at him   
  
with something near to panic in his eyes and Teal'c looked as - perturbed - as Jack had ever seen   
  
him. Jack ignored his own misgivings and tried to project a sense of calm. He wasn't sure if it   
  
had worked, but Daniel looked a little less strained around the eyes.  
  
There was movement in front of them. Jack cursed himself for becoming so preoccupied with   
  
his own condition that he'd lost track of the enemy and jerked his eyes back to the front. The   
  
woman stepped to one side and motioned Carter forward.  
  
'*Now* what?!' Jack thought peevishly, as Carter obeyed the woman's command and walked   
  
forward. Her eyes were glazed over, but her movements were confident. She stopped about six   
  
feet from them and stared – unseeing – straight at them. It was…un-nerving to say the least.   
  
The wit and intelligence that normally sparkled behind her eyes was dulled. It reminded Jack   
  
uncomfortably of the time that damned Entity thing had taken her over. If he'd been able to   
  
shiver, he would have done.  
  
The woman walked up to Carter, Jack glared at her. Yeah okay, so under the circumstances, it   
  
was a completely pointless act of defiance, but darn it – it made him feel better. She ignored   
  
him and placing her hand on Carter's arm, leant up to whisper in Carter's ear. Carter relaxed.   
  
The woman gave her arm a final squeeze and stepped back.  
  
Jack felt the thread of fear in his stomach return as he realised Carter was still clutching her   
  
P90.  
  
'Oh God'.   
  
What if the woman wanted her to kill them? Would she do it? She seemed to be under the   
  
woman's spell – so to speak - but would she be able to kill them? Would *she* be able to kill   
  
*him*? God he hoped not….and what would it do to her if she did?  
  
'Come on Carter!' He pleaded with his eyes, staring straight at her and begging her to   
  
understand.   
  
'Snap out of it! This isn't you!'  
  
She looked up at him and he saw a flicker of shock and confusion in her eyes. Suddenly he   
  
wanted to close his. Call it selfish, but he didn't want his last memory of Carter to be one of her   
  
killing him. She stepped forward, looking straight at him.   
  
'God, here it comes…'  
  
He met her eyes once more. 'Whatever happens here Sam, I forgive you.'  
  
A frown appeared on her face and her grip relaxed around the weapon. She stepped away. If   
  
he'd been able to move, he'd have been weak-kneed with relief. Jack hated being helpless,   
  
especially in the face of his own death and that of the folk close to him. And you didn't get much   
  
more helpless than being unable to move your limbs. He couldn't even clench his fists in   
  
frustration.  
  
She turned away and walked over to Teal'c.  
  
'Look out T!' Jack screamed silently.   
  
'She's gonna…''  
  
Jack blinked.   
  
' - kiss you on the forehead?'  
  
He watched as Sam placed her hand on Teal'c's shoulder and stretched up slightly to plant a   
  
gentle kiss on top of his gold-engraved tattoo.  
  
'Okaaay….' He hadn't seen *that* one coming.  
  
She stepped back and Jack met Teal'c's eyes. The big Jaffa looked, well… *startled* was a good   
  
description. She moved in front of Daniel and Jack got just a glimpse of the slightly panicked   
  
expression in the younger man's eyes, before she reached up and kissed him on the cheek. Jack   
  
couldn't restrain the flash of jealousy that shot through him at the sight and rolled his eyes at   
  
his own behaviour.  
  
'For cryin' out loud O'Neill, get a goddamn grip! It was a peck on the cheek! And it's not like she's   
  
even yours anyway…  
  
Sam stepped back and Jack looked straight at Daniel, who flushed scarlet from his neck to his   
  
hairline.  
  
'Wow.' He'd never seen the Space-monkey do *that* before….  
  
Then he promptly forgot all about Daniel, as Carter turned towards him. The look in her eyes   
  
made him nervous. Teal'c got a kiss on the forehead, Daniel got a peck on the cheek…what about   
  
him? A sudden vision popped into his head and he swallowed – 'Hah! He could still do *that* as   
  
well!' – and closed his eyes.  
  
'Don't *even* go there Jack. Not now. Not *ever*…'  
  
He squeezed his eyes tighter shut as he heard her footsteps come to a stop in front of him. He   
  
could hear her breathing very close to him and he just knew if he opened his eyes, he would see   
  
her face inches from his own.   
  
'He was not going to look…he was not going to look…there was no way in Hell he was gonna open   
  
his eyes and – '  
  
'Ngh.'  
  
Jack's higher brain functions briefly shut down as Sam leaned forward and pressed her lips   
  
firmly against his own.  
  
Then they kicked back in again as the part of him that held some pretty unprofessional feelings   
  
towards his 2IC, started dancing around in glee. Metaphorically speaking of course.  
  
*Oh God*. She was *kissing* him. Properly. Full. On. The. Mouth. *Sam Carter* was *kissing   
  
him*. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.  
  
She nipped gently at his lower lip and Jack had neither an outlet for the whimper that rose up   
  
the back of his throat, or any way to stop his blood from rushing southwards, like it had   
  
suddenly decided to do.  
  
'God'. He wanted to pull her to him, press his lips back to hers and *never* stop…but he couldn't   
  
damn well move! Geez, talk about sexual frustration….  
  
Suddenly the feeling of being paralysed was gone and he instinctively moved his lips against the   
  
soft ones currently pressing against his mouth.   
  
'Mmm, much better.'   
  
Before he had chance to register anything beyond that, there was a sharp intake of breath and   
  
the pressure was gone. Feeling suddenly bereft, he opened his eyes and saw Carter stood in   
  
front of him, staring at him with a look of shock in her eyes. Her hand flew up to touch her   
  
mouth, then her eyes rolled back in her head and she passed out.  
  
'Okay, not *quite* the reaction he was hoping for…'  
  
Stepping forward quickly, he grabbed her as she started to fall and eased her gently on to the   
  
ground. He quickly checked for signs of circulation. Her pulse was there. Slightly fast, but   
  
strong and her breathing was evening out. Unlike his own. He felt Daniel and Teal'c come to   
  
stand behind him.   
  
Ignoring them for the moment he rolled her over and placed her in the recovery position. He ran   
  
a hand over her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear and tried to calm himself down, his mind   
  
still reeling from what had just happened.   
  
The sudden adrenaline rush when Carter had fallen and he'd had to catch her had left him shaky   
  
and that was without mentioning his current uh – happy – state that was still making itself felt.   
  
He needed to crawl away to a quiet place for a few minutes and regain his composure.   
  
Unfortunately, he didn't think he was gonna get that opportunity any time soon. Confusion,   
  
anger, shock, hunger - not of the food kind – and relief all warred within him for the status of   
  
top billing, as he tried desperately to focus.  
  
"Do not worry yourself, Jack." A soft voice said from the side of him. "Samantha will be fine.   
  
She simply requires rest to recover from the Kata-shala."  
  
The anger won out.  
  
Jack's fist clenched as he took a deep breath. 'He would not lose it…he would not lose it…he   
  
would not – ah, screw it.'  
  
He stood up and raised his head to look the woman who was responsible for all of this straight in   
  
the eye. To her credit she didn't flinch.  
  
"First of all," He started, his voice as cold as the look in his eyes, "she prefers Sam, *not*   
  
Samantha. Secondly, until you earn the *right* to call her Sam, or myself Jack, it's Major   
  
Carter and Colonel O'Neill to you and thirdly – " his voice rose as his temper slipped it's leash,   
  
"what the Hell are you people on?!! I mean kissing?!! Why the Hell – "  
  
"JACK!" Daniel yelled, interrupting his tirade before he built up a full head of steam. The woman   
  
shot him a grateful look.  
  
Jack whipped round to stare at him.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
Daniel held his ground, which would have worked better if what he was about to say hadn't gone   
  
straight out of his head. "Umm…"  
  
Jack's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Perhaps we should listen to what she has to say, O'Neill." Teal'c interjected smoothly.  
  
"Yes, that's it exactly." Daniel nodded vigorously. "Precisely what I was going to say."  
  
Jack stared at them for a moment, then his shoulders slumped slightly as he conceded defeat.   
  
'He was getting too old for this…'  
  
"Fine."  
  
He turned back to the woman. "So talk."   
  
The woman inclined her head. "I am Kina, High Priestess of the Roshi. Please forgive us if we   
  
have offended you in any way."  
  
'Offended us? No, how could you possibly have offended us…' Jack thought sarcastically.  
  
The woman gave him a sharp look and continued. "All visitors to Verassa must undergo the Kata-  
  
shala, to prove their worth."  
  
"Kata-shala?" Daniel asked. "Is that what just – uh - happened?"  
  
Kina nodded. "Yes. The ceremony proves whether our visitors are worthy of the Roshi's   
  
friendship - or not."  
  
Jack nodded sagely. "Ri-ight. And getting Carter to kiss us, proves this *how* exactly?"  
  
Kina sighed. If Daniel didn't know better, he would have said it sounded exasperated.  
  
"A member of the visitors is made to show their true feelings towards their colleagues. The   
  
Kiyala stone ensures that it is their true feelings that are laid bare, so there is no duplicity. If   
  
the true feelings shown are ones of hatred or fear, we know our visitors are not to be trusted."  
  
She smiled. "You should be pleased, Colonel O'Neill. Major Carter's reactions to you all, prove   
  
that you are truly worthy to be friends of the Roshi."  
  
"Yeah, I'm flattered." Jack said shortly.   
  
Daniel shot him a look.   
  
"No really I am. What's with the kissing thing though? I still don't get that."  
  
"Our society prefers actions to words, Colonel O'Neill." Kina explained patiently. "Therefore the   
  
ceremony requires the 'showing' to take the form of physical action of some kind. The actual   
  
action depends on the strength of the feeling."  
  
Daniel cast a sly glance at Jack. His friend was resolutely not looking at any of them. Hmm, this   
  
could have it's possibilities….  
  
"So, the way that Sam kissed us indicates how she really feels about us?"  
  
Daniel saw Jack shift uncomfortably. Kina's eyes glinted, as if she realised where he was going   
  
with this.  
  
"Yes," she replied. "It's really quite fascinating. Amongst the Roshi, a kiss is a way of expressing   
  
some of the strongest positive emotions we have. And the different forms of a kiss show the   
  
different forms of the emotion."  
  
"Really?" Daniel asked. 'Was it him or was Jack blushing?'  
  
"Oh yes." Kina carried on, getting into the game. "For example, a kiss on the forehead, like Major   
  
Carter gave your friend Teal'c shows respect. A kiss on the cheek like she gave to you Daniel   
  
Jackson, shows much affection. Whilst a kiss on the lips – "  
  
"*Alright*," Jack cut in swiftly. "I think we get the idea, Kina."  
  
Daniel and Kina grinned.   
  
"Whatever you say, Jack." Daniel said.  
  
Teal'c tilted his head to one side. "I do believe you are blushing, O'Neill."  
  
"What?! Teal'c! I – "  
  
Whatever he was about to say was cut off by a low groan from near his feet. All of them looked   
  
down.  
  
"So Kina…" Daniel said slowly, broaching the most important subject of all. "How much of this is   
  
Sam going to remember?"  
  
~~~End~~~ 


End file.
